While watching some TED Talks, I was particularly touched by a talk by Ash Beckham, equality advocate, who touched upon what it takes to find the courage to step out of your closet, and have those hard / difficult conversations. Two things she said – one was about not having to constantly define or rate how hard it was. As she says, Hard is hard. It’s not relative. Where you’re standing, against this seemingly insurmountable demon that needs to be tackled, it is hard. Not slightly hard or harder or less hard than anyone else’s demon. I completely agree with that.
The other thing she said which struck a chord was – “apologise, if you need to, for what you’ve done, but never for who you are”. It’s a simple enough statement, but extremely profound as it is something that you encounter when you’re growing up, shaping your personality, building your sense of self and / or stepping out of your comfort zone.
It got me thinking about how a person goes about preparing to have those hard conversations. How does one become brave. Is it a skill? Is it a trait? Or a virtue? In my mind, being brave or being courageous is something that happens in an instant – in a moment. When you discover that you took a stand. When you fought for something that you felt strongly about. May be from there on, with your first moment of bravery or courage - does it become a trait.
And of course a virtue. Because strong people are respected. Revered. Feared and sometimes abhorred. But never ignored.
When I walked out of an abusive marriage – except for a few friends – not many people thought I was being courageous. I had many people around me [ including family and well wishers ] counselling me and encouraging me to learn that marriage is all about compromise and that I was not going to make it on my own. I had, after all, walked-out penniless, without any hope of child support or an alimony.
But survive I did.
And it was only because I survived and did better than I was doing before, that everyone turned around and said – you were very brave back then.
In hind sight, I am not sure I did it as an act of bravery. It was a step taken out of pure survival instinct. Of knowing that this is not the life I wanted for myself. Of knowing that I wanted to get away from the aggression, abuse and lack of independence. Because abuse robs you of your freedom on many counts. It robs you of your freedom of choice. Your freedom to smile, laugh and enjoy life. It takes something very fundamental to your existence. It takes away your ability to breathe freely.
Often women, who are either unhappy / are marginalised in their marriages or at the work place, approach me to counsel them or help them. After hearing them out, I realise that they just want to hear what they already know. It’s time to move on. They need someone else to ratify their worst belief or nightmare.
I tell them that it is the most difficult conversation you need to have - with yourself. And it is one of the most difficult decisions you need to make - on your own.
I know it’s easy to stand in judgement about people who choose to be in abusive relationships and marriages, especially from the outside. How does she / he do it? Why does she put up with it? Why doesn’t she just walk out. I’ve heard so many people say that.
Yes it does seem quite obvious from the outside. It has to be ended. But when you are on the inside, there are many things that are not so obvious. The hardest step, at that time, seems to be – to walk out.
The perpetrator has oftentimes robbed the victim of the ability to think straight. Has robbed her / him of self-esteem. Self confidence has been battered and is at this time almost non-existent. To take such a difficult decision which might further alienate you from your friends and family is a daunting task. Not surprisingly, the victim is paralysed by fear of the unknown. What lies on the other side. Societal acceptance. Family pressure. What will people say. How will I survive? How will my children react? Will we adapt? How will the economics work out? Will I have child support. Will I get an alimony? How long will the court case drag.
The questions that plague and haunt you at that time are plenty.
Besides making some hard decisions and having the hard talk, I think you also need people around you who believe in you. Who can help you and support you through the initial stages of ‘surviving on your own’. Friends and family who will provide you financial assistance if required. Baby-sitting help if necessary. People who can put you back on track. Find you work if that’s what it takes.
If you have all of that you are very lucky. Appreciate them and take charge of your life as soon as you can. If you don’t have that, try and seek professional help and seek out counsellors or mentors who can assist you.
It is a journey that you can make on your own, but it is a lot easier if you take help and have someone you can use as a sounding board.
Once you’ve crossed the initial hump, it might get simpler and easier – but don’t forget to make sure you don’t stay in victim mode for too long. Snap out of it [as soon as you can ], take charge and move on.
Remember - it’s not easy, but it is way easier than you might have ever imagined it to be. I know that for a fact.
There is life after. And a happy one at that. The choice is entire yours.
